'Children Say The Darndest Things'

When it comes to outrageous sayings, little kids can "trump" us all. (I won't go there.)

Remember Art Linkletter? He interviewed children on his TV show, "Kids Say the Darndest Things." It was a huge hit. Art was a radio personality who switched to TV. Born in Canada, he immigrated and became a U.S. citizen in 1942. I think we need more comedian immigrants, don't you? They can cheer up the Border Patrol, because they have a frustrating job, playing catch and release.

I had an immigrant ancestor named Abraham Wood who came to America from England. He was the first white man to see the New River (actually, very old) as it flows through its steep, winding gorge in West Virginia -- the deepest valley east of the Mississippi. An Indian maiden took him there. Later he married her. The men of the Wood clan were infamous for marrying native gals. This practice started a very long feud in Wood County, W.Va., after one maiden too many (from the Indian village across the Ohio River) took on the Wood surname.

This Wood (me), snagged a wife for himself by fighting off seven suitors, winning a lovely lady with the last name, Stone, my wife for 47 years. Were the suitors Indians?

If we look for it, we can find laughter all around us. Don't you love it when children say something precious? They don't even realize it when they're funny. I wish there wasn't so much pressure on our children to grow up so fast, don't you?

My wife and I were able to record a couple of secret audio sessions by one of our granddaughters, who is now 3. She's the youngest of six. She's at that stage where she's fascinated by certain things. She goes around making up songs. Her mother told us that she was into some interesting topics. She likes to sing and be creative with words. When she was playing in the tub at grandma's house, the things she sang about were, "shawuks" and "ginas." Yep, that's right! Then her singsong voice combined them. Behold, sharks have vaginas! Who knew?

Words can be hilarious even when spoken by grownups. To me, the phrase "hockey puck" is enormously funny -- but I have no reason why. You try it... Just say, "Oh, hockey puck!" and see if you don't laugh as well.

Being a wordsmith, I find fancy words and collect 'em. Here's one: paraprosdokian. I had to look it up. It means a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation. Here's a perfect paraprosdokian sentence: "Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

I have slogans and quotes that I've collected. Here's one by the American humorist Will Rogers. "I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat." (Tell that to Bernie Sanders. He was out-organized.)

One of my favorite sayings, if I'm debating someone, is this: "If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong!" I once told someone who gave up arguing, "I can't help it if I'm right!"

A preacher asked a speaker, "Can I use your story in my sermons?" Later, I heard him tell someone, "The first time I use it, I'll quote him. The next time, I'll say, 'I heard someone say...' After that, it'll be, 'As I've always said...'"

Of course, I would credit my sources, too, if I could find them. But it's like they say, "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."

RON WOOD IS A WRITER, MINISTER AND TEACHER. EMAIL HIM AT [email protected] OR VISIT WWW.TOUCHEDBYGRACE.ORG. THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE THOSE OF THE AUTHOR.