The year 2018 has come to an end, and I say, "Good riddance!" As chaotic as 2018 was, we may look back and decide it wasn't so bad after all. Maybe each year will just be worse than the one before. Welcome to the new normal. Let's take a look at some of the highlights of 2018.
January: California legalizes marijuana. Senator Al Franken resigns from the Senate over sexual harassment allegations. President Trump tweets that his nuclear button is bigger than North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's nuclear button. He also tweets, in the same week, that he is a "very stable genius." Then Trump shuts down the federal government, tweets about Jay Z, and goes golfing on Martin Luther King Day.
February: Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning there would be six more weeks of winter, causing Trump to demand that Congress investigate. President Trump requests that the Pentagon put on a military parade bigger and better than the one he saw in France. White House officials state that the request was just a "brainstorm." Democrats argue that evidence of a brain is lacking, but there is a Stormy Daniels.
March: Steve Hawking dies peacefully in his sleep, leaves note stating, "See you later, suckers!" Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, and Trump aide John McEntee are all fired. Trump later says Tillerson is "dumb as a rock," to which Tillerson replies, "Sticks and stones, I'm rubber and you are glue!"
April: Teacher strikes continued in Colorado and Arizona. Students urge strike to continue indefinitely. E. coli in Romaine lettuce found to cause illness in at least 100. Children urge parents to boycott all salads, and vegetables also, just to be on the safe side. Barbara Bush, wife of George H. W. Bush, dies at age 92. Trump decides not to attend so as to avoid looking like a decent human being.
May: California announces new law requiring all coffee to be served with a cancer warning. Scientists announce that drinking coffee may lower risk of diabetes, protect from Alzheimer's and dementia, and lower risk of Parkinson's disease. California legislature responds by announcing that scientists cause cancer and must be labeled as such.
June: The swimsuit competition is dropped from the Miss America contest. No one notices. The Center for Disease Control links pre-cut melons to a Salmonella outbreak. In response, Romaine lettuce and E. coli file grievance against watermelons for copyright violation. Paul Manafort, President Trump's ex-campaign manager, is sent to jail to await trial. President Trump assures the nation that this is final indictment from Mueller investigation. Nation laughs uncontrollably.
July: President Trump nominates Brett Kavanaugh for Supreme Court, claims nomination will be a "slam dunk." A shark, disguised as a baby, was kidnapped from a Texas aquarium. Two men were later apprehended and charged after a tearful plea by the shark's parents was televised nationally. The shark, named Miss Helen, was safely reunited to the grateful family. However, two children in New York were attacked by sharks, apparently in retaliation for the kidnapping. President Trump calls for a travel ban on all sharks.
August: Senator John McCain dies at age 81 after a heroic battle against cancer. President Trump states he prefers people who don't die from cancer.
September: A man opened fire in Bakersfield, Calif., killing five people and himself. California legislature responds by issuing warning that Bakersfield may cause cancer.
October: Sears, a 132-year-old company, declared bankruptcy as CEO overheard saying, "What's Amazon?" Floor collapses at Clemson University, injuring 30. One student interviewed asked, "How were we to know that jumping up and down with more people than legally allowed on a wooden floor would cause an accident?" Nation struggles to remove palm from face.
November: GOP loses bigly in mid-term elections. President Trump calls the election a tremendous victory for himself. Shootings occurred in Florida yoga studio, California bar, and Alabama mall. Nation offers thoughts and prayers. NRA announces record gun sales in first half of 2018.
December: George H. W. Bush dies at age 94. Nation mourns loss of civility. Michael Cohen, President Trump's ex-lawyer, is sentenced to 3 years of prison for, in his words, "covering up Trump's dirty deeds." President Trump calls Cohen "a liar."
Happy New Year?
DEVIN HOUSTON IS THE PRESIDENT/CEO OF HOUSTON ENZYMES. SEND COMMENTS OR QUESTIONS TO DEVIN.HOUSTON@GMAIL.COM. THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE THOSE OF THE AUTHOR.Editorial on 01/02/2019
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